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Ok, so this past month has been crazy! So many games have released in such a short frame of time! Its insane! On top of all this, I have just received a new computer from my brother, (thank you Jimmy!) this has opened up a WHOLE new world of opportunities! Now I can actually play games that I was previously not able to on my old computer! (pictures of my rig soon to come!)
So first off, I made a “pact” with Skoh-Fley. If I got a new computer or if I reformatted- I would start playing WoW (World of Warcraft for the acronym inept) again. So I have new computer so I started playing WoW again- and man is it awesome! It runs way above 60 FPS virtually all the time now! When I first started playing WoW- I thought it was “ok” because not only did it look ugly on my old computer- but it just seemed like boring complex game. Second time around, my opinion has changed- the game is really fun and addicting! All my friends play it and it looks great!

Now, not only do I get to play WoW again, I can play HL2 (Half-Life 2 for the people who hate all things good) at a decent frame rate finally! No more blurry ass textures! No more slowdown! Yay! Skoh was nice enough to lend me the Orange Box, so I have been basically playing through HL2:Episode 1+2 and Portals. I still cant get over the initial fact that my computer can now run these games. Whenever I read about a new PC game coming out I was like- whatever, I won’t even be able to play it anyways- BUT now thats not the case! I can totally play virtually any game! HELL YEAH!

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Title: “Headhumpers.”

So now with that update and excitement out of the way, I can fill you in on a story! If you clicked on this story and saw the title and expected to find porn, well, there is none. This story will only really interest the people who played HL2:E1 or likewise.

Its late at night, on a Wednesday, I had just finished a episode of my podcast (PopCast- soda reviewing). We reviewed Redbull and we ended at like 10pm. Totally not a good idea to drink a full can of Redbull and have it already be 10pm because I felt like I should still stay up and do something. Naturally I booted up HL2: Episode 1 since my rig can tear it up. Bad idea. I’m not really a wimp, but when it comes to tense games like F.E.A.R and Doom III, I hate them. Being scared sucks and it makes the game not fun. So I’m playing HL2 in the dark, with headphones at what is now 1am. Worst thing ever! I was scared shitless! There is a part in HL2:E1 where you are in an underground parking garage and its pitch black except for what your flash light shows. The thing is that the flashlight dies out after like 25 seconds of being continuously on and you have to turn it off to recharge it! So I’m running around seeing tons of zombies, headcrabs and other shit coming at me- and then my flashlight dies and I can’t see anything but I can hear all of their fucking zombie moaning noises! So I’m freaking out trying to find a place I can at least run too but I can’t see anything so I end up running into either more zombies or a wall! Ah! I hate it so much! I had to use all of my determination to get through that level. And after I stopped playing I was paranoid that those goddamn head crabs would start pouring into my room or zombies would be hanging around my bathroom. Never again. Never again will I drink caffeinated drinks, stay up late and play scary games in the dark at 1am. Terrible idea. They don’t mix. Its like what police officers are always telling teenagers. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t drink and play survival horror games at night.

-Neverhitboxes

I still have nightmares about that cat……

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    So let me admit right here, that I am a big fan of Zelda. I bought both the Wii and Zelda at launch and have spent 40+ hours playing it. Being the young and determined person I am, I beat the game in 35 hours. My Dad on the other hand, is not even half way through yet and has spent 100+ hours (according to his save file). Here begins my story.

“God Dammit!” “Shit!” “Oh fuck! I have to do it again?!” These are the sounds that emanate from the downstairs living room. My Dad is playing Zelda again. My Dad is well into his mid fifties and wasn’t born into a generation where video games existed, but even with that said it still doesn’t stop him from swearing up a storm when he gets knocked off his horse or when he dies in a boss battle. My Dad is truly determined to do whatever it takes to beat Zelda. He calls me when I’m out with friends (true story) and asks me, “Hey Jeff, how do you do a Shield Attack? It keeps asking me to do a shield attack and I have no CLUE (with emphasis) what the hell its talking about!” Then I will have to tell him how to do it, and chances are he probably still won’t get it, but by some chance, he discovers how to do it by pure luck accident (aka wave around the controllers).

            His sense of direction is alright in real life, but for some odd reason, real-life doesn’t transfer to what I call, “A Virtual Sense of Direction”(a term coined by me). He always runs around in circles and goes back into rooms he has already been in and wonders why everything looks familiar. It’s a true test of patience, I’ll have to say. I really have to try and not point out what he has to do, or beg him to let me do it for him. It is painful to watch, in fact I’m pretty sure that if you wanted to torture someone, all one would have to do is tie them down and make him/her watch my Dad play Zelda (I can hear their screams of frustration as I type this, “Oh God! You already did that temple!! Somebody, please, I’ll do anything! Get this man a strategy guide!!”). That’s why I usually bring a book with me so I don’t have to silently weep while watching him play (in fact when my brothers came down from LA, my brother Michael pointed out that that we all started reading books when my Dad began to play Zelda).

            Dad, I love you, but your navigation skills I’m afraid are in another castle.

 -Neverhitboxes